Every mom wants her daughter’s guy friend to be a good person -- especially if he has a romantic interest in her or has a significant influence on your daughter. Asking for personal references could embarrass you daughter and her friend, so use your keen powers of observation, careful attention to his words and an objective assessment of his influence on your child to assess his character.
1. Defining "A Good Person"
Clarify your definition of a good person before checking out your daughter’s friend. Good moral character includes honesty and a lack of criminal record, according to the moral character requirements of the Texas State Board of Public Accountancy. The California bar examiners committee defines good moral character as honest and trustworthy behavior, candid, fairness, financially responsible, obedience to the law, respect for the rights of others and the legal process. You could believe that some legal actions aren't acceptable for her friends, such as adult smoking or drinking, profanity and sex outside of a committed long-term relationship. You might also decide a good person works, pays his bills on time and has an active spiritual practice.
2. Your Daughter's Input
Speak with your daughter in a friendly and light manner, asking a few questions at a time so you don’t come off in a negative way. You might ask where he works, where he attends school or church or where she met him. Express curiosity about his family, childhood and his past. Ask why she likes him and which specific qualities drew her to make him her friend. Include open-ended questions such as how he treats her or his hobbies. If you haven’t met him, suggest she invite him over for a meal.
3. Get to Know Him
Talk to your daughter’s friend. Ask him general questions such as what he likes to do for fun, what he likes about his job or school and if he has siblings. Encourage him to share things about himself without grilling him. Watch the way he treats your daughter; watch his body language and listen to the way he talks and what he says. If he’s polite, open, respectful and friendly, you could decide that he is probably a good guy. If he encourages your daughter to take care of herself, pursue her interests and behave responsibly, then he is on his way to gaining your approval.
4. Checking Him Out
If her friend seems a little off, check his social media pages, since your daughter is probably a friend of his on his social media pages. If you still have negative or questionable vibes, consider paying for a criminal background check. If you discover negative information and feel the need to tell your daughter, realize that she might feel angry, even if the information protects her. On the other hand, a clean search doesn’t guarantee that he’s a good person, according to psychotherapist Margarita Tartakovsky in “How to Read People Like an FBI Profiler” for PsychCentral. A clean search, however, could ease your mind.
- Texas State Board of Public Accountancy: Moral Character -- Statement
- The State Bar of California Committee of Bar Examiners Office of Admissions: Instructions for Application For Determination of Moral Character And Application for Extension of Determination of Moral Character
- PsychCentral: How to Read People Like an FBI Profiler
- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images