Help your mom and boyfriend become friends.

How to Get Your Mom to Trust Your New Boyfriend

by C. Giles

Every healthy relationship requires mutual trust. It's not always easy to define trust, reveals international keynote speaker and motivational coach Margie Warrell in the article "Want to Build More Trust in Your Relationships?" on her website. Your mom may have a genuine reason for not trusting your new boyfriend -- for example, maybe she has heard a rumor that he cheated on his last girlfriend. Perhaps she can't even put her finger on why she doesn't trust him. It will be easier to create a future with this man if you have your mom's support.

1. Tell Her About Him

Naturally, your mom wants you to be in a relationship with a man who is loyal, kind, caring, who treats you with respect and who has your best interests at heart. If you can convince her that your new boyfriend meets these requirements, she'll find it easier to trust him. Tell her what he's like and how he makes you feel. Be completely honest. If he's separated but not yet divorced, has children of his own, has a difficult relationship with his ex or has experienced financial difficulties, tell her. None of these things make him untrustworthy. However, if your mom finds something out at a later stage, she may wonder why you kept it a secret or what else she doesn't know about his past. This could lead to a lack of trust in your boyfriend.

2. Improve Your Relationship With Mom

Perhaps your mom's distrust of your new boyfriend is not the main issue. She may worry that you don't make good relationship choices if you have a history of dating unsuitable men who don't meet your needs. A mother who is overly critical is one of the primary complaints psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler hears from daughters, reveals associate editor Margarita Tartakovsky in her article "15 Insights on Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships" for "Psych Central." Mothers often believe that their daughters make bad choices, adds Cohen-Sandler. Think about what your relationship with your mom is like and how you can improve it.

3. Address the Issue of Trust

Communicate your concerns to your mom. Use "I" statements to avoid making her feel attacked or criticized, advises the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center article "A Game Plan for Effective Communication." For example, you may say something like, "I feel upset that you don't seem to trust my new boyfriend. Your opinion is very important to me. Could we talk about this?" Make sure you give your mom the chance to explain what her concerns about your boyfriend are. Listen to what she says, regardless of whether you think her words have any merit. Reflect back to your mom what she has said to show her she is being heard and understood, advises Cohen-Sandler. Identify the emotions behind your mom's words. For example, she may say, "You always go for men who can't be trusted," when what she is actually saying is, "I worry about you because you don't have the confidence to put yourself first in your relationships."

4. Find Perspective

Put yourself in your mom's shoes. Your kids are young now, but one day you may find yourself in a similar situation. Consider how you would react if you didn't think your daughter's boyfriend was good enough for her. Keep things in perspective, advises psychologist Seth Myers in the article "Mother & Daughter Relationships: Four Toxic Relationship Types" for "Psychology Today." If you believe you can trust your boyfriend, perhaps it's not such a big deal that your mom doesn't. Remind yourself that she's entitled to her opinion, but that you're an adult now and can make your own decisions.

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