Physical intimacy doesn't necessarily lead to a secure relationship.

How to Deal With a Lover Who Refuses to Commit to a Relationship

by C. Giles

"He's a free spirit." "He doesn't want to put a label on our love." "He's still dealing with the aftermath of his previous breakup." You may have made all kinds of excuses for your lover's refusal to commit to a relationship with you. But if you want more from this man, it is time to stop making -- and hearing -- excuses. Do yourself a favor and either get what you want or get out.

Why He Won't Commit

It is unlikely that there is any big mystery behind your lover's refusal to commit to a relationship. Perhaps he enjoys playing the field and doesn't want to be tied down to one woman. Maybe he doesn't think you are the one he wants to settle down with, or maybe he just doesn't want to settle down with anyone. If you have let him get away with noncommittal behavior, he may feel there is no pressure to make a commitment. He knows you'll be there regardless, warns matchmaker Kiki Strickland in the article "Five Reasons Why He Won't Commit," for

Express Yourself

Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you want a committed relationship, advises psychologist Diana Kirschner in the article "What to Do When He/She Won't Commit," for Stay calm when you talk to him. Avoid attacking, blaming or criticizing him. He may have treated you unfairly, but this process is about communicating your needs. For example, you may say something like, "I love spending time with you, and I feel that we've grown very close over the last few months. I really want to be in a serious relationship with you. What do you think?" Complete honesty will help your relationship progress.

Ultimatum Time

It's not easy to give someone an ultimatum, but if you are unwilling to settle for less than a committed relationship, your lover needs to know it's all or nothing. If he tells you he needs more time to make up his mind, it's up to you to decide if you are willing to wait for him. Don't wait around indefinitely for a man who isn't meeting your needs. Don't make idle threats, advises Kirschner. Be willing to follow through with your ultimatum.

Love Yourself

You may have been neglecting other areas of your life, such as your hobbies, fitness and friendships, because you have been so consumed by thoughts of your lover. Whether you are willing to wait for him to commit to you or not, focus on yourself for a change. Work on boosting your self-esteem, suggests clinical psychologist Frances Cohen Praver in the article "He Just Won't Commit," for Psychology Today's website. Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and positive. Reconnect with old friends and be open to the possibility of making new ones. Take up a hobby. Start looking after your physical and emotional health by eating well, exercising regularly and making time for plenty of rest and relaxation. Work out how to make yourself happy without relying on anybody else.

About the Author

C. Giles is a writer with an MA (Hons) in English literature and a post-graduate diploma in law. Her work has been published in several publications, both online and offline, including "The Herald," "The Big Issue" and "Daily Record."

Photo Credits

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