Your spouse's emotional affair can be devastating.

How to Get Past Emotional Affairs & Cheating

by Kristen Moutria

If your spouse has engaged in an emotional affair, you may wonder if your feelings of distress are normal. Monika Lewis writes on Focus on the Family that emotional affairs are dangerous because they have the potential to devastate a marriage even without physical involvement. You can learn how to get past your spouse's emotional affair and restore intimacy to your marriage.

Request that Contact Cease

The first and most basic way to get past your spouse's emotional affair is to request that he stop all contact with the person he was involved with. eHarmony emphasizes the importance of having your spouse untangle himself from his involvement with the other person no matter how much that person tries to become involved again. Request that all contact, whether it is online, in person or over the phone, stop immediately. If your spouse works with this person, request that he switch jobs if possible. The American Psychological Association reports that women are often more threatened by emotional betrayal, whereas men are more concerned with physical encounters, so be prepared if your husband has a hard time understanding your devastation.

Accept the Process of Recovery

Recovering from an emotional affair is a delicate process with many steps. Psychologist Kathy Nickerson's team of certified life coaches from the Imagine Hope Counseling Group note that after an emotional affair, your old relationship no longer exists, and the dynamics of your relationship will be different from this point on. You may grieve the loss of your old relationship. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler point out that the process of grieving includes denial, which is pretending the problem never happened; anger; bargaining, which is trying to work out a bargain with God; depression; and acceptance of the situation. You will likely go through all these stages as you recover from your spouse's emotional infidelity.

Separate Romance from Love

As you analyze your spouse's emotional affair, it may help to separate your ideas of your spouse's romance from the true love your spouse likely has for you. In his book, "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love," author Robert Johnson reports that romantic love is blinding and short-lived, whereas true devoted love is unglamorous and symbolizes a willingness to share everyday life with another person.

Set Boundaries for the Future

After you have mourned your old relationship and let your emotions come out, you must establish new boundaries for your relationship. Psychologist Joleen Watson, writing for the Imagine Hope Counseling Group website, notes that trust can be earned through the little things in life, such as being home when you say you will and following through with a simple promise. Let your spouse know what you expect from him every day so that he knows what you need in order to feel secure in your marriage.


About the Author

Kristen Moutria has a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Evangel University. She is currently pursuing her Master of Arts in education from the University of Nebraska.

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